Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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