Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
