look no pants
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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