Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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