I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
