this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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