My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
