Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize