so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
