You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
