So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
