I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
