Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
