Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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