Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
