Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
