u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
