Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
