my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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