Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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