Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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