I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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