i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
