I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
