you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
