took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
