I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize