No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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