Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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