I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You're like the curious george of whores
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize