so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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