theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
