He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
