There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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