Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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