I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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