Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
