just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
