I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
