Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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