I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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