he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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