there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
