he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
