Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize