I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
