Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
