Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
