its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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