i think my tv is drunk
I have demons in me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
