I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
