until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize