If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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