the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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