just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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