: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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